Episode 5: Cheap Shoes
Journal transcript:
JUNE 25, 2001, Monday
Stone aka Bebbles and I are both rebuilding from the sweat of our brows and the free time that is available , we enjoy in our separate ways: Stone watches TV, I listen to music, read and write. It’s hard to spend a lot of time together when you each have about 4 hours to yourself until you go to bed to start the next day.
We have our clashes and I’m more prone to irritability since I handle our schedules, bills and otherwise, since our work schedules overlap. We were both out of work at the same time and, as of 11 days from now, will have paid over $3600 to cover all our bases and become current. We are grateful for God’s kindness and blessings and are aware of His constant works in my life. We thank Him all the time.
Then, there are times, like the past few days, where I feel a lack of inspired thought or inspired progress and it depresses me.
Examples: Stone is so deliriously tired that I’m hard pressed to get a real kiss goodnight, even if I ask. The apartment is a collective and proverbial mess. I’m hard-pressed to get even cursory responses to my Industry correspondence I take the time to hand write and the pressures mount and mount while I’m too busy to enjoy my life in its proper perspective of peace and increased spiritual awareness. I find that quiet and some solitude helps. I also still myself with faith scripture and Unity writings. I know I’m incredibly blessed and have been given plenty with which to handle the adversity and terrified Industry souls I’m up against.
The marketing agency extended my assignment a week longer, through the end of this week. It’s all good.
JUNE 26, 2001, Tuesday
I truly expected today to be the end of my assignment here at the marketing agency. I’m being paid around $150 a day to maintain and run a call center that no one is calling but is required by the government on this recall. Colby, the manager that Riley assigned me to, asked me last night as I was leaving, “Does your assignment have to go all week? The call volume is so low that a secretary can handle it in-house.”
I told Colby he could end the assignment at any time, but that I’d appreciate the heads up first so I can line up another gig. II don’t care if this gig ends, but I do care about being a sitting duck on a job while being kept unaware. I can see where Colby was coming rom but I can’t say that I felt like dealing with his angst, however rational. Colby said he’d talk to Larry in Legal. My only ask was 4 hours’ notice. This was all last night.
I came in this morning and went to Colby’s office first thing and asked if they want to take the rest of this recall project in-house and if he’d talked to Larry about it, as planned. Larry is a slightly stiff lawyer on the 6th floor and his answer was that he’s keeping the time he booked me for and will I stay the rest of the week. Colby said, “I know it’s boring, but is that okay?” I said it was. The phone doesn’t ring, I’m paid to read “The Covenant” by James Michener and learn about S. Africa. It’s a book my grandparents gave me before they went to Africa to visit my aunt and uncle and young cousins there.
I leave every day to God. My path and career are in His hands and I’m reminding myself not to get in His wat and go with it. He knows infinitely better than I. I’ll be more at peace and less puzzled by people.
I’m just glad this won’t be my second broken assignment. I prefer the hands-off approach with any agents – staffing agents or the Hollywood talent ones – they usually just let me be and shine wherever I’m ensconced.
Bebbles Stone is the surer bet, grossing almost $900 a week in his temp job at Pacificare and he is already nearing being converted to full-time in a month or so. I’m proud of him and don’t want to stress him with my cloudier prospects , job wise. I’m also blessed because Stone provides for me and makes no bones about it. We’ve had two years of challenges at the speed of light and I could stand to slow down and be more placid. I’m trying. We’re in love and it’s an adventure. It’s great to sleep together at night and we allow each other space. Right now, I’m recharging, otherwise I’ll burn out.
JUNE 27, 2001, Wednesday
This marketing assignment – babysitting a silent call center of phones – is ridiculous. The planning done by several managers here – the ones who hire the temps – is not effective at all. As a contractor you can definitely see where these companies are weak. Even this firm’s dysfunction is quickly coming to the surface. It’s a very homogeneous company. One of the VP admins, a 40-ish Black woman named Barbara, told me “there’s only five Blacks here – myself, two staff members on the floor I’m on, a guy in the mailroom, and a security guard.” She’d asked me and Deirde, the beautiful model I got to work with when we first started with the crewbies, for our resumes. I never gave her one. The offer was nice and appreciated, but my reasoning was that I was burned out on the recall project and ready to leave. It was also my first assignment through the Terrific Agency, and I have enough to do trying to integrate my Hollywood lists and strategies without having to do so at a firm marketing studio merch that I don’t have designs on. Deirde and I were the standouts and that was good enough. Deirde finished her assignment and is probably working a new gig through her agents.
Barbra saw me in the lobby yesterday and implored me to give her two copies of my resume, saying, “You’re good!” She truly meant it and asked me again today, in the same calmly impassioned way to bring her more resumes. She said there was a research role coming up here soon at the time and that’s she’d also send the other resume copy to an outside business reference. I brought that resume – not one for this firm – to her today and she was very relieved and grateful. It was nice of her to do or me and that was a bright spot of kindness. Barbara means well and I appreciated the corporate thumb-up from a sister. It’s 4:56 p.m. Quitting time. Peace.
THURSDAY, June 28, 2001
Bebbles Stone and I may split. I put it out there. I did. He wants to work a second job and I’m completely against it. We’re already under pressure – we’ve always been under pressure – and Stone has the need to get a second job now. I asked him to wait until my birthday, almost 3 months from now in the fall, and Bebbles said he didn’t care to wait and so it goes.
The reason I gave that timeline is because I need to not have the stress that comes from me who is a contractor going from job to job compounded by his stress that will come from another job where he is working double-duty and cranky and shit. Our time is already limited.
Bebbles rattled off all that we need and don’t have, and it hurt me because I tried very hard to keep things going before I quit my job and he was depressed about his own job search at the time before he got PacifiCare. That’s not a diss, that’s a fact. I told Bebbles that if he takes on a second job before I can adjust to my own temp gigs then we’ll most likely break up because it will be too much for him. He will work to exhaustion, and two jobs is exhaustion, trust me. He says it’s for “our” needs, but I say that “I” don’t need those things at the expense of his health or our relationship. He said, “I’m going to be online job searching tomorrow.” I said, “Do so at your own discretion, because I may be out.”
JUNE 29, 2001, Friday
4 more hours of this marketing firm assignment. The 13th day I worked for them this month. I began it by working here and end it working here. Today’s the last day and it’s been like being in a vacuum or being an extra in holding. It’s been a tough assignment this time around, sheerly from inactivity and restricted breaks since I’m the only one legally allowed to answer consumer calls in the wake of the recall. They pay me for it, including the lunch I don’t/can’t take and they make sure I get to leave at 5.
Meanwhile, last night Stone decides to use our cocktail hour to launch into a litany about getting a second job and rolling off, amidst my counterpoints, “our” current view – meaning “his” – which is dismal as far as our earnings, like we’re serfs.
“I’m tired of wearing cheap Payless shoes!” Stone blared.
I said, “I spent $120 on my shoes.” He knows that we never have to buy cheap shoes for our respective work, so I wasn’t buying that.
Next it was, “I can’t even go and buy any new fuckin’ clothes!”
Earlier in the conversation, when setting up his thesis for the need for a second job, Stone flat out said, “You’re not a working actor and we need another solid revenue stream.”
It was not said in a hostile or cutting way, but it still bothered me because I’ve still done the work of two Karl’s, no matter whether it was Hollywood or corporate, and except for quitting my job, I’ve worked since we met. I’ve worked 18 days out of 20 in the last month of business days, which I’m proud of.
Yet, with the petulance and passion of a pissed-off teen, Stone went on, “All we pay is bills! My whole fucking check to bills! And $90 to take to the store for us – $90 dollars! – for a week?” That’s crazy! I was thinking about it and that’s crazy. I want to move! I want a house!”
I told Stone that I could understand those points but I asked several things:
First I told him, “I couldn’t work two jobs when we needed it because you said you didn’t want to lose free time with me. We barely have time together now. Why can’t this wait until the fall so we can have a peaceful summer?”
Bebbles replied, “Be- cause, there’s too many things “we” need and can’t afford. I want an easier life.”
“Bebbles, “ I said, “ As a couple and for myself, I am not complaining about what you or I “need” – that will come.
In condescending tones Bebbles said, “Yeah, I know you don’t need anything.” That infuriated me because of the sarcasm, like I love being in a tight spot.
I said, “My point is we’ve been behind! We’ve been through a lot of shit and we’re just now on our way back. And I don’t want you compromising your health or either us being crankier than we already usually are right now for a second job. If you decide on another job right now, I’ll have to end it and we break up. Can we just get our bearings?”
Bebbles said, “I don’t want to break up, Sweetie, but I feel it’s a risk I’ll take. That’s why I’ll get a second job. You won’t have to work or –“
It was a pointless argument that I ended by saying, “I don’t care what course of action you take because I’m not arguing anymore and if I can’t chill with you then I’m going to leave for good.”
It was a long, verbally disorderly and emotionally angry argument with nothing said below-the-belt. I ended it on a note, basically, of to-thine-own-self-be-true. I was very calm and I’ve been calm ever since, despite the fact that it was depressing and demoralizing to hear him say that we have no money, no nothing – except for our union – and the rest is somehow not worthwhile or good enough. This is a common dilemma that we seem to return to. Stone doesn’t see things as temporary or a means to an end and the negativity starts. I know that we always recover, but this summer has been one where we’re succeeding, we can see it, but as the bad cop I Iook like I’m satisfied with the status quo or obliviously content in Stone’s POV and that’s a cop-out for Stone to even go there. Yet, that’s what happen.
I always tell Bebbles that, above the financial security, I love him, and I stay committed to him because we used to have such fun and passion and it’s grievous to our longevity to leave that sitting there like it’s an oversight. I’ve been through so many hard knocks, he is focused on the bottom line, and I need the fun and spontaneity that he has in spades. That’s what I need.
[end]